How to Get Rid of Man Boobs.

That’s right, Man Boobs–nature’s way of telling a man that gravity works–at least when it comes to one’s pectorals.

If you are inflicted with man boobs, you know that it isn’t any laughing matter. Before you fret and run out to see if there is such a thing as a Manssiere or The Bro, read this article for some tips and how you can get rid of man boobs.

Tips for Teaching English in Korea.

If you are thinking about teaching English in Korea, please read this article. If you are already an ESL or EFL teacher you might want to consider teaching English in Korea.

When the Vietnam War Came to a small town in Illinois.

This is one of my more moving essays about growing up in the Illinois Valley back in the 1960s/1970s.

Imagine this scenario: a man travels to Bangkok on vacation. One night, after too much drinking and debauchery, he tries to get back to his hotel, but with all that alcohol he has consumed he loses his way. Unable to get his bearings, he sits down on a pushcart outside a busy 7-11 and passageway between two busy Soi (Thai for street) and passes out. A few good Samaritans try to wake him up but he is too drunk and unreceptive. At one point he rolls off the cart and continues to sleep; perhaps he is even dreaming that he is back at his hotel room.

In the meantime, he’s become the subject of many curious onlookers who are coming in and out of the 7-11 as well as customers stopping in at Jimmy Wong’s tattoo shop next door. A few take photos which will be uploaded and plastered on blogs and websites the next day.

The man eventually sleeps off whatever amount of alcohol he did consume, regains his bearings and makes it back to his hotel. He probably thinks nothing of the ordeal or maybe he is just too embarrassed about it and tries to forget about it.

A few weeks later, back at home he’s surfing the Internet and comes across one of the photos that someone had taken of him passed out near the 7-11 in Bangkok.

These days, such events are much more prevalent thanks to digital cameras, cellular phones with cameras and now even Apple iPods with video capability. Everyone can be a photographer and everyone can be subject to paparazzi. You don’t have to be passed out on the street either; it can be as innocuous as picking your nose or scratching your butt in a comical way that will be a hit on someone’s blog or Facebook profile.

Although you can’t control what photos someone might snap of you and upload to their blogs one has to be careful what they blog about, one also has to be careful what kind of photos and videos they upload on blogs or social networking sites like Facebook.

In cities like Seoul, citizens walk around with digital cameras and video cameras to capture people doing illegal acts like motorists driving in the bus lane or people littering. And whenever there is an accident, a fight, fracas, or any other criminal act, the event is immediately captured by amateur photographers and videographers. These images may or may not be uploaded to someone’s blog or YouTube but if they are controversial enough there’s a good chance that they will.

Not long ago in Seoul, some drunken expats made fools of themselves singing and dancing on a crowded subway that was captured by someone with a video camera and then later uploaded to YouTube. It created quite the outrage and even made it to the nightly news in Korea.

It doesn’t have to be something controversial or even criminal for Big Brother, or in this case many little Big Brothers watching you and ready to document something embarrassing or perhaps something you don’t want too many people to know about (like that tattoo you have on your arm). To be sure, you never know who is out there with a camera or iPod ready to catch you in the act on a Jpeg or Mpeg/Avi file.

Back in the 1970s, I busted a gut laughing to George Carlin’s seven words you could not say on television. This comedic bit is just as hilarious now as it was when I first heard it.

In one part of the bit, he talks about how a baseball player can have two balls on him but it would be improper to say he hurt his balls on the play.

Obviously, after watching this week’s episode of Two-and-a-Half Men, it is okay to say “balls” now on TV. In one scene when Charlie Harper (Charlie Sheen) finally gives into his fiancée Chelsea’s (Jennifer Bini Taylor) plan to get a breast reduction (because her boobs are causing her back pain), he tells her not to get rid of her bras because he could use them for two egg-shaped appendages that might need a little support when he gets older.

Without question, these days television writers have a lot of creative leeway and freedom when it comes to their use of words like “boobs,” “balls,” and even “bitch.” Not that this makes television these days any better with the shock and comedic value these words might have within the context of a drama or a sitcom, it is interesting to see how much television has evolved.

Back in the 60s on the Dick Van Dyke Show, it was taboo to have Rob (Dick Van Dyke) and Laura (Mary Tyler Moore) sleep in one bed or on I Dream of Jeannie for Jeannie (Barbara Eden) to show her belly button.

The times have definitely changed.

Thank you George Carlin.

These are some fun jokes and riddles for kids, especially children who are learning English as a Second or Foreign Language (they play on sounds and language).

Over the years, I have gotten a lot of chuckles from kids when they hear these.

A Scary Number

Q:  Why is Number Ten scared of Number Seven?

A:   Because Seven, Eight, Nine.

Repeat After Me

Teacher: One day, two boys—Pete and Re-Pete—went fishing in a pond on their grandfather’s farm. They got in a boat and rowed out to the middle of the pond. Pete stood and fell in the water. Who’s in the boat?

Students: Re-Pete.

Teacher:  Okay, one day, two boys—Pete and Re-Pete—went fishing in a pond on their grandfather’s farm. They got in a boat and rowed out to the middle of the pond. Pete stood and fell in the water. Who’s in the boat?

Students:  Re-Pete.

Teacher:  Okay, one day, two boys—Pete and Re-Pete—went fishing in a pond on their grandfather’s farm….

Usually, it takes children two or three times to get through the story before they catch on. It is a good listening activity for students and a fun story.

Yesterday, I bought my first new pair of shoes in four years.

The Doc Martens that I had bought in the States back in 2005 had served my feet well. As Forrest Gump mused, “there’s an awful lot you can tell about a person by their shoes, where they’re going and where they’ve been.”

In my case it’s been all the places I’ve visited wearing them—from Illinois, Korea, and Thailand to Japan back to Korea and Laos. Likewise, in those four years alone, so much has happened in my life—leaving Korea, going to Thailand and meeting Aon, hanging out in Japan a few times, back to Korea and Laos, the birth of Jeremy Aaron and the passing of my mother.

Yes Forrest, you can tell a lot about a person and the shoes they wear.

I had worn those Doc Martens down and stretched them out so much from all my walking that the time had come to buy a new pair. Fortunately, there is a Dr. Martens’ store in Daejeon (I have tried other shoe stores and outlets but I’ve never really liked the shoes; I’ve been wearing Doc Martens since 1993 and they’ve always been good to my feet) and when I stopped in there yesterday, the store carried my size (finding western-sized clothes like shoes, socks, pants and shirts is not easy in Korea, and especially in Daejeon where there is a much smaller foreign community).

However, and as expected, the shoes were pricey: 170,000 Won or around $150.00. Sadly, they are not even original Dr. Martens. They are made in China.

I needed new shoes so I can live with the price. Made in China? Whether or not they are originals, or only original in price, that is—to excuse the pun—the price one has to pay when you want something you like.

Once I had them on my feet, my feet were happy so I was happy. A spring bounced back in my step and I was walking tall again—not shuffling my feet because my last pair of Doc Martens had been stretched out so much.

Everything was right with the world. Got up this morning, talked to Aon, Jeremy Aaron and Bia (52 more days!), worked on my novel, and then went to school, paid some bills, filled out a form to have money transferred to my Korean Exchange Bank account each month, and then went to the gym.

That spring in my walk also was evident on the treadmill where I ran another 10 kilometers in an hour. When you’ve got happy feet you just want to keep on running and running.

After that exhilarating run, I decided to cool down with some Gatorade and went to my locker to get some money. That is when I noticed that my new Doc Martens the ones that had made my feet so happy and that had set me back 150.00 had been stolen.

Okay, so I didn’t lock them up in my locker with the rest of my street clothes. I am guilty as charged for being stupid. I just never imagined any of the four or five people who were at the gym when I was would steal them. But one of them did, or someone else who came in when I was running.

Now maybe you’re wondering why I would take off my shoes and leave them out? Well, this is Asia and at restaurants, dentist offices, and even gyms, people take off their shoes before entering these establishments. (A lot has to do with the “sitting on the floor culture” but I could never understand why a dentist’s office or a gym.) To be sure, if one really wanted to steal someone’s shoes, it is not that difficult. I have heard numerous stories of someone going to a restaurant and then leaving to find their shoes had been stolen.

Steal someone’s shoes though? How low can a person go? Well, low enough to bend over, pick them up and walk off with them I guess.

When I explained what had happened to the worker-cum-trainer, he didn’t seem too shocked or overly concerned. I’ve been a member of this small gym for three years and I would have thought he would have been a little more surprised. Instead, he asked me if I had locked them in a locker. Well gee; maybe I just took an extra stupid pill this morning because no, I did not lock them in a locker.

After he did a perfunctory search of the gym he went back to washing towels and gym wear.

“Excuse me, I’ve just been robbed,” I said. “Maybe we should call the police.”

“Do you want me to call the police?”

I guess I was not the only one who took a stupid pill in the morning.

Finally, he got around to calling the police and that is when I did my best Joe Friday impersonation and tried to get him to search the computer records for the people who came in to the gym. When a member comes in, they have to show their membership card, which is then swiped in a card reader, so there is a record of who is there. You don’t have to be a Joe Friday, Columbo, Starsky or Hutch to figure out that it was a matter of simple deduction: one of those four people who were in the gym when I was on the treadmill walked off with my shoes.

Now, what I am thinking is that it had to have been an inside job. Why? Whoever absconded with my Doc Martens knew I was on the treadmill at other end of the gym and not in the shower room or outside the locker room. This person knew exactly where I was at when they took them.

The police finally showed up but there was not much they could do. There was a bit of a language barrier and I was told that it was my mistake for not locking them up. Again, I am guilty as charged for being stupid. They took down my personal information as well as the telephone numbers of the four men who were in the gym when I was and who could have stolen my shoes. All they could do was call these men and ask them if they had stolen the shoes; don’t think they are going to bring them into the station and grill them for hours until one of them breaks and confesses.

The officer who had done all the talking was very apologetic and in broken English told me that he was ashamed this had happened to a foreigner. They said they would get back to me if there was a lead in the case or if they broke the case open. No, they didn’t say that per se—I’ve just watched a lot of movies and TV dramas about cops and robbers and knew that was what they really wanted to tell me.

In the meantime, shoeless Jeffrey was in need of another pair of shoes, so I hopped into a taxi went back to the Dr. Martens’ store and bought another pair of the same shoes that had been stolen. In the end, a new pair of shoes cost me $300.00.

I should probably thank the guy for giving me something absurd to blog about today. I also should ask the gym for a one-year’s free membership; it’s the least they could do for me.

One thing is for certain, I am not going to let these Doc Martens out of my sight when they are not on my feet, and lock them up if I can’t keep my eyes on them.

It was just a matter of time in South Korea when the Swine Flu paranoia reached a new high prompting authorities to raise the alert status to a “red level” the highest level.

There’s been at least one or two articles a day in the Korea Times—the newspaper that I read daily—about Swine Flu whether it is a person succumbing to the flu or worries that the flu will spread when the weather turns colder (it got really cold here yesterday, down to the lower 20’s, but the temperature was back up in the low 60’s today).

There have been 42 deaths attributed to H1N1, but of these, only one person, a 42-year-old-man died without suffering any other serious ailments.

Some reports say that over 8,800 people a day or being diagnosed with the flu—up from 4,400 the previous week; however, the paranoia has caused some misdiagnoses. One of the office staff at my school was misdiagnosed with H1N1 and sent home for a week.

People are scared to go anywhere. According to an article in the Korea Times yesterday, “airlines, rail, hotels and amusement parks are just some of the businesses hammered by the growing number of people canceling their visits” and even the fear of contracting the flu is “resulting in empty tables at neighborhood restaurants and pubs.”

This morning when I went to school, only one of the office staff was there (there are usually five) as well as the student who is in charge of the copy center. Nonetheless, I had six out of seven students in my adult conversation class.

Much of the paranoia and excessive fear can be attributed to the media that has been reporting, not to mention painting a dismal picture of the spread of H1N1 in Korea. It has got a lot of people nervous and even someone with the symptoms of a common cold has them running to the doctor. Almost everyone you see on the streets is wearing a mask over their mouths and noses; Walt Disney and Hello Kitty masks are a big hit with the youngsters and even some of my university students.

I wonder what it is like in other countries and what people are doing to cope with it as well as what they might think of the H1N1 paranoia here in Korea. Supposedly, it has become much more serious in Asia than in other countries.

In another weird and absurd story to surface about English study in South Korea, this time it’s the Minister of Education coming up with an idea to replace TOEIC and TOEFL tests in Korea.

According to an article in the country’s oldest English language newspaper, “Korea is pushing for a state-developed, standardized English test that will replace English proficiency tests in the College Scholastic Ability Test (CSAT) and TOEFL and TOEIC by 2012.”

That sounds like a novel idea for a country of test takers, but will the new test stand up to the TOEIC and TOEFL?

Well, in the words of Ahn Byong-man, who is the Minister of Education, Science and Technology, “the new exam surpasses other similar exams in its credibility because of the fact that it is supported and approved by the state.”

Excuse me? The new test surpasses all the other tests in credibility because it is supported by the state? Credibility? Who designed it? Native speakers or was it just copied from other tests?

Or, to tweak something Wayne Campbell might say, “Yeah right and monkeys will fly out of my butt.”

I wonder if the real reason for the test is that millions of dollars have been spent by TOEIC and TOEFL test takers over the years. Of course, the TOEIC has become a magic potion for English proficiency in Korea. Once upon a time, the TOEIC (which was first created by ETS for Japanese businessmen) was only for businessmen in Korea; now it is being used to assess high school students. The test itself and all the preparation books for how to score more points on it are big business in Korea. It is not only ETS that is profiting, but all these other writers and companies coming up with their own books on how to score more points.

Obviously, a homemade test will save money, but will it work? Ahn thinks so. “Once it is made available, I am sure that it is just a matter of time before all schools start to use it,” Ahn was reported as saying.
According to the article, the new test is similar to EIKEN, Japan’s test in practical English proficiency with a round of pilot tests are really being conducted.

Because the new test is intended to provide a pass-or-fail result for applicants, the article mentions that the “adoption in the annual standardized college entrance exams means a significant disincentive for students to take private English lessons.”

I doubt it. Korean students and parents are always looking for an edge and advantage for getting a higher score. Whether it’s TOEFL, TOEIC or Mr. Kim’s English test, students who are weak in English or assertive parents who want their kids to score high are going to do whatever they can for their kids to get those big scores.

Now let’s turn our attention back to what Mr. Ahn said about the test being credible. Credible enough for would be applicants to American universities? Students will still have to take the TOEFL to get into an American university.

However, the real problem is this desire to become English proficient and using a test to measure it—without really working on any language skills. Students can become good test takers and get good scores, but they still might have difficulty speaking English. I’ve taught students who could score high on these tests but still could not string along two sentences in spoken English. If that’s all that they want or is required of them, fair enough. The problem is the desire to become English proficient for getting into a good university or for job promotion creates a lot of frustration for language learners and as such they will spend lots and lots of money on books, lessons, tapes, and other resources to have an edge when they take the test.

The man who could throw up at will.

Well, not exactly the man who could throw up at will, but my short story about a man who could which won first prize in the monthly fiction, poetry, and creative nonfiction contest at Notes & Grace Notes.

It is my second win this year. I previously won for poetry earlier this year.